After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
