where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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