i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Let's paint friendship bongs
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
