I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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