His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
