So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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