i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
