just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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