If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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