You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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