i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
a search helicopter?!
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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