If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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