i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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