maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
