I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
