You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
