even my farts smell like vagina
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
