I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
