I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
