On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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