I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
