if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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