i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
