just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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