I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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