The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
