then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Ketchup is God's man juice
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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