There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
