yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
