I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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