My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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