so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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