nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
