a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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