So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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