Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
