you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
