Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
