coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
did i just pee glitter
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
