I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
