so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
