if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
