Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
