Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
