I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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