This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
