I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
