I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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