The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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