You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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