party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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