i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
