I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
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