You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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