Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
